No More Diagonal Lies: Valley Floor Draws the Line (Straight)

No More Diagonal Lies: Valley Floor Draws the Line (Straight)

By: The Park Planning Committee (aka four guys on folding chairs)
Published in the spirit of geometry and justice

Picture this: You’re trying to pull your camper in for the night. Maybe you’ve got a twelve-pack of Busch in one hand, half a Slim Jim in the other, and the faint hope of dignity clinging to your rearview mirror. But then you see it—a Camry parked diagonally. Suddenly, your world tilts 45 degrees… just like that inconsiderate hatchback.

We, the freedom-loving residents of the Valley Floor Trailer Park, say enough is enough.

🛑 "If you can’t park straight, how’s your marriage?"

These prophetic words, spray-painted (tastefully) on the side of Lot 17’s composting outhouse, have become our rallying cry.

Because diagonal parking isn’t just an eyesore—it’s a symptom. A symptom of a society that’s given up on structure, form, and spatial reasoning. It’s a gateway to madness. First it’s angled parking, then it’s backwards hat wearing indoors, and before you know it—e-bikes on the highway.

🗣️ Echoes from Main Street: The Telluride Purists

We stand in solidarity with the Main Street purists of Telluride—the brave souls who’ve declared war on diagonal parking in front of their second homes. Their hand-painted signs (“Diagonal Parking Ruins My Chi,” “This Ain’t Aspen”) are the picket fences of protest.

These are our people. Sure, their Patagonia is newer and their Labradoodles don’t have worms, but we’re all fighting the same war: the War on Slant.

📝 Our Demands

  1. A strict return to parallel parking, enforced by Mildred and her clipboard of passive-aggressive fury.
  2. Community-funded signage:
    1. “Parking crooked? You must be from Mountain Village.”
    2. “This ain’t a pizza slice, straighten up.”
  3. A ceremonial burning of a diagonal chalk line followed by light refreshments and boiled peanuts.
  4. Counseling vouchers for those permanently traumatized by parking at an angle.

🫡 A Future Worth Aligning For

We believe in a world where every RV, flatbed, and suspiciously modified school bus can rest proudly—aligned with the curb, not society’s twisted expectations.

So straighten your wheels. Straighten your spine. And above all, straighten your moral compass.

Because here in the Valley Floor Trailer Park, we don’t slant. We stand tall. And we parallel like patriots.


Back to blog