Support the Gondola Tax Hike: Because the Valley Floor Deserves a Lift (Literally)
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By: Elkward Hopsworth, Concerned Citizen & Former Craft Kombucha Sommelier
Let’s get one thing straight, Telluride: we’ve taxed everything except our imagination. But today, I’m asking you—nay, begging you with the desperation of a yuppie who just spilled his organic chai on a hemp poncho—to support a bold new vision:
👉 A gondola extension from town… all the way to the Valley Floor Trailer Park.
Yes. We need to tax ourselves to make it happen. And here’s why.
🧠 Reason #1: Carbon-Free Transit for the “Forgotten Class”
While second-home owners helicopter in from Aspen for charcuterie tastings, residents of the trailer park (you know, the ones who actually live here) are forced to traverse the Valley Floor using archaic, foot-based locomotion. Some even ride bikes. Bikes! In 2025! Like animals!
Adding a gondola to the Valley Floor would reduce emissions, traffic, and the number of heart attacks suffered while hauling 36-packs of Coors uphill.
💅 Reason #2: Equal Access to Overpriced Bagels
Ever try getting a gluten-free beet bagel with trout foam from Baked in Telluride when you're based in the trailer park?
Exactly.
Without easy access to boutique carbs and heritage sourdough, our Valley Floor comrades are at serious cultural risk. The gondola ensures that even those living in humble double-wides can brunch like it's a civic right.
🍺 Reason #3: Late-Night Returns from Floradora’s Shouldn’t Require a Sled Dog Team
Picture this: it’s 12:43 a.m., you’re swaying gently after your 3rd overpriced craft mezcal cocktail named after a minor John Denver lyric. You live in the trailer park. What are your options?
- Walk through moose country in the dark?
- Sleep in a shrub?
- Ride an emotional support llama?
No more. With a gondola extension, you float home like a taxpayer-funded angel—safely and in style.
🦌 Reason #4: The Elk Support It
Recent studies (conducted by me) show 87% of elk surveyed support a gondola extension, provided it’s “quiet, eco-friendly, and doesn’t mess with rut season.”
One was even spotted with a "LIFT THE VALLEY" sign on his antler next to a PBR can. That’s activism.
🏗️ Reason #5: It’ll Stimulate the Local Economy (Whatever That Means)
Listen, no one actually understands how local economies work. But if you say the words “stimulate,” “infrastructure,” and “public-private partnership” in a row, people start nodding.
A new gondola station will require:
- At least 14 bearded electricians
- A mural from someone named Wren
- One overpriced concrete pour blessed by a yoga shaman
That's jobs, baby.
🙌 Reason #6: It’s Time We Admit the Valley Floor Trailer Park Is Telluride
Forget what the town council brochure says. The Valley Floor Trailer Park isn’t some “fringe habitat.” It’s a cultural nucleus. A biome. A lifestyle.
It’s time we stop pretending we’re too bougie to connect ourselves to the spiritual heart of this town with a high-speed alpine sky bucket.
Final Thought: “If You Can Tax It, You Can Lift It”
Telluride, let’s not be afraid of bold ideas. We tax short-term rentals. We tax bags. We tax plastic straws that hurt sea turtles in a landlocked state.
So why not tax ourselves for something that truly matters: suspended transportation for the humble legends who hold this town together from a Winnebago near the elk trail.
Say yes to the gondola.
Say yes to the tax.
Say yes to elevating our souls—eight passengers at a time.